I'm full!!

I just ate palabok and muffin and darn, I'm so full! And it's also because I just ate rice awhile ago.. around 6 in the morning. Then after that, I slept at work. Hahaha!

It's really nice to have my grandma at home. She always takes care of me.. and all of us! She always prepare food for me. Whenever I ask for food, with just a moment, there will be food already. Don't you just love that?? Oh grandma.. I really don't know if I can last a lifetime without you. You should wait first for the daughters of my siblings before you die. Okay?

Shocks. Now I remember my great grandma. :( She told me that she'll wait for me to graduate in high school and college but she was not able to. :( She's the only person who knows that I want to be a teacher someday.. and she really support me for my dream. Argh. I'm getting teary eye already. I miss you Great grandma! :'(

Moving on.. I'm talking about being full because..... of the food that I just ate! Hahaha! No, seriously, it's more on what I feel inside -- emotionally.

As of now, I feel overwhelmed and full of love. <3 Actually, mi boyfriend and I had a fight yesterday. Or let's say, it's one of my art-e days. I was just feeling blue and so sensitive during that time that I feel like I crave for so much attention.

We were just having our usual talks over the phone.. and then I got irritated. Then I started to talk about me leaving him. Of course he's use to it. I don't actually know if he's still being scared whenever I talk about it. Or if he believes that I will or I might do that someday. I only have a vague idea as of now.. really. And then, I asked on what will he do if I suddenly won't reply to his messages anymore or if I won't be answering his calls. Then he said that he will look for me.. bother me and all so that I will reply or he can talk to me.

And then, being the playful me, wanting for some attention, suddenly said that I don't want him anymore and I started not replying. Haha. BUT... looks like he doesn't care that much. HE JUST SLEPTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! I so hate him that time. I feel like I was not love. :( How can he sleep with us not okay? :( On second thought, he might be uber tired because of his jogging activity that morning. But still.. I did not thought about that yesterday! Bwahaha.

So, being the maart-e me, I was being such a spoiled brat to her. I even cried. T__T I don't know. He can easily make me cry. He's that type. Grrrr. I so love him that he can easily hurt me. :(

And then, last night.. we got to talk about things.. seriously. I told him how I miss the feeling that I am so love by him. I told him that he was not wrong.. it's just that there's something missing.. that kind of love that we had before.

I miss how he wait for me outside the office during Saturdays. How I comfortably sleep beside him even inside the bus! Haha! I just miss those moments. :( I just feel that most of the time, he's not doing much effort already. I don't want to enumerate the things that I did versus the things that he did for me. That would be bad and I am not doing those so that I can have something to tell into his face. It's just that sometimes, I feel tired already always giving and showing him how I love him. Why can't he show me he love me too? The same energy and level on how I show it to him?

And I believe.. I already made that impression to him last night. I just wish that there will be no more Saturday classes for him so that he can go to work again and wait for me to go out. I wish he'll be man enough in our relationship.. Ikaw naman bebebs! Hihi.

I love you still. I really really do. I won't give up on you. Just promise me that everything will be fine and that you'll always stay with me even if the world will fall apart. Will you?

Runaway.

Last Monday was my birthday.. Happy 21st birthday to me! Binata na ko. LOL. But then, after my said birthday, it doesn't seem like I'm old enough. I went back to being a child again running away from home.

Oh well, it's my kind of game. Just when I want to runaway, I will. Just when I want to hide, I will go far away from home. Wherever. But what happened after my birthday is not really running away from home. I just wanna be with him. I just feel like celebrating my day with him. Just that. Oh yeah, he was with me during my birthday. We went to the cemetery together with my family and then, we swam with my cousins. After that, time for me to go to work. I don't really like going to work. I feel like I'm still "bitin" with the time that I was with him. Argh. Why did I never think about filing my leave on my birthday? Stupid.

So, I went to work at 9PM even though my shift is actually at around 12AM. Then I was there until 9AM. Talk about being there for 12 hours. Hah!

So, after my shift, I still have the feeling of going to my boyfriend's place. I just feel so exhausted will all of the things that happened that Monday. That's why I thought of resting to their place. I just want him to be beside him.. hugging.. saying sweet nothings.. CUDDLE TIME! And yeah, I got it. (:

I really planned on being absent on my Tuesday shift. Even though when I told my Coach about it, he don't want me to be absent. Of course. Our attendance sucks already and aherm, they need me. LOL.

So there. I called RTA to inform them that I'll be absent on Tuesday shift but I told them that I'll try to still come. Err. I was actually thinking if I should stay or go to work. But then, I followed my heart and ta-da! I was still with my guy.

Next morning, I dunno. I loved being a bum at their place. No hassle. Just there, hanging out with him. Eating. Cooking. Watching TV. Washing the dishes. Laughing. SOOOO PERFECT. Right? I just love the feeling. I just love being with him. Argh. And hey, I love playing the computer! Hah! If I'm not playing on his pc, I was using his iPhone. Grrrr. I missed being bum. But I don't want to loose my job. Hell, that's moneyyy!

That was Wednesday. I just played around their house -- hang out with him and play until.. I was so sleepy and lethargic to go home or even go to work. Oh yeah, I was half-hearted but then, again and again, I followed my laziness. I stayed. I was about to call RTA again but... I dunno what to say anymore. I dunno. I don't want to lie. Yeah, you'll get use to it whenever you do it but I don't really want to lie. That's why most of the time, I just stay silent. And there, I was about to call but I hung up the phone and did not bother calling anymore. Stupid right? And I think the RTA won't allow me to be absent for the second time. Hah! I'm their backup anyways. So, they are one of the people who needs me. Heh!

I was able to persuade him to let me stay at their place even though I know that he don't like me to stay. He said that he don't want me not going to work because of him. But really, yeah, he was a big part of it. But then, it's my choice. I just don't feel like going at home or to work. Err, let's say that I'm slowly getting tired of work. Same shit. Pffft.

So, I was absent for two shifts -- Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm not calling or telling anyone where am I. Even my friends don't know where am I. No one's asking anyway. I'm not going at home either. Lazyyyy. Dunno. I don't have much amor on going at home. Even when I was still in school. Maybe because... there's so much problem with so many of us at home. And I'm darn tired about the drama. T__T

So, come Thursday morning, I think, Mom started texting and looking for me. Of course, I'm not at home. Yeah, we don't see each other that much at home but she do knows if I was at home or not. Hmm, because I don't know what to reply, I did not. :( And I know, that was sooo stubborn. ARGH.

Last night, Thursday night, I am planning to go home already. But, I don't know what to say to the people waiting for me. I also don't feel well. I was quite dizzy that time. I don't know if I'm hungry or because, I was awake for so long. Grr. Please blame the Flo Avenue and not me. Darn pc games. I hate how I love to play it. GRRRRRRRR.

.. because I feel shy already staying at my beau's place, I planned on going home already. I was dizzy and all but I tried to dress up and just had quick naps while doing such. But then, I was really dizzy that there I go again to his bed, sleeping. I just remember waking up because he was removing my sandals already and changing my clothes.

I woke up around four this morning. Read my mom's text messages and saw that even my coach was trying to call me. I don't know what to reply to my mom's plead, that's why I did not bother again to reply. DAMN. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate that I don't want to lie but I need to. I hate how I cannot think of a good alibi why I cannot be reach for 3 fucking days.. hey, it's the 4th day already. FUCK.

I so hate myself. Argh. I just want to burst like a bubble and then, disappear. That would be great. (: But.. what will I do so that I'll be a bubble? Eh I'm a human. DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

Help me think. HELP.

Oh yeah, I thought of calling my dear trusted friends. But luckily (sarcastic), there phones are unreachable. Whenever I call Roz, it pops up a message that call is being rejected. I guess she did something with her call divert. And, Abhie's phone is off. Good enough. Right?

And hey, I did not try calling Yen. I know that she's at work right now and I know what prolly she'll say. That I'm so stubborn. Yeah right. T____T

Lemme think....

I'll leave his place later, around 3PM, then just truly runaway. I'll go wherever. I'll throw my sim card so that no one can reach me. That would be great. I just gotta think what will happen to the people that I will leave behind. Am I that selfish? Argh.

Thinking bout it again, yeah, I am selfish. Hmm.. I'll think about it later.

I just really wish that I'll just die or just be a bubble. Hah! I'm still desperately thinking about being a bubble. Psh. Bullshit.


















*thinking.........

PC Rant

Fck. My PC is currently busted right now. I hate it.

Well, I have 2 PCs here at my current station. One station is for APAC, where I can go online with some site and check our Business Objects (BO) for our Service Level. While the other one is for our account. What's vital for my job right now is the other pc -- the one for the account. That is where I can pull up the Shared Drive and all of the sh*t that I need to work.

And currently, it's f*cked up.

Lola's Back! (:

After 6 months of her stay at Georgia, my lola's back! Weeeee

Birthday! Birthday!

Long time no see, my dear blogspot! Hahaha! Isn't it nice? Usually, I only write to you whenever I feel bad about my relationship with my dear hubby. Hahaha! At least now, we don't have any fight or misunderstanding. I just want to keep you updated. It's been like... 3 months already. Gosh!

So, as of now, Rai and I are already on our 10th month. Two months to go and... TA-DAHHH! One year na kami! Yayyy! This is also his month, by the way. 'Twas his birthday last October 2 and I believe he's happy with his birthday for this year. Here goes the reason..

Last October 1, he was uber sad because we won't be seeing each other on his birthday. We already planned that he'll be going to my place and then we'll go on a date. I told him I don't have money anymore therefore, he needs to go to my place to pick me up. Haha! Really, I don't have much money but I do have my budget for my surprise for him. (: Actually, I've been planning to go to his place on his birthday. I'm planning to surprise him.. and I was thinking on how to. I was thinking that I'll wait for him to come home and prepare food for him. I was also planning on making a banner on

Twisted.

Maybe it's just my period. Or maybe there's something else. Err. I don't know. I'm not in the mood. Or let's say, I'm in such a very moody state right now. I feel like I'm such a crazy biatch. Hahaha! I want attention... but I don't want anybody to care about me. Hell, right? Damn stupid and hard to understand too. X___x

On Saturday, it will be our 8th monthsary. I don't know what will happen. I won't expect. Promise, I'll try my very best not to expect anything from him. Errrr. Good luck with me.

If I can only be honest at this time, my hopes are high. I'm very much hoping that our 8th monthsary would be a nice monthsary. We do know our 7th was not that good, right? That's why I'm scared to expect anything. Butttt.. I do know. Let's say, I'm really that hopeless chick who will always hope that someday, I will feel that I'm the girl that needs to be pleased. I dunno. Random stuffs going on my mind. I feel... nothing.

What will really happen? Sometimes, I want something new to happen. Sometimes, I'm tired of all this setup. I just want to be free. Free from every hassle schedule that we have. I just want to have that day that I won't be worrying for the next hours. Tara, roadtrip tayo! Ahaha. :) But I know it's impossible. :(

I just need him right now... badly. ='(

Excerpt from my text convo with my dear sweetcheeks...


ME: Why do I always get disappointed by my situation with Rai if it's our fucking monthsary? ='( Nakakawalang gana. Amf.

Sweetcheeks: What happened?

ME: Wala lang. Sabi niya, magkikita kami ng tuesday. Namove ng thursday. Tapos ngayon, saturday na lang daw. Fuck. Ayoko na. Taena.

Sweetcheeks: Baka busy?

ME: Uunga. Studies. At nakakairita ung feeling na wala kang laban at wala kang magawa. Taena. Studies un e. Alangan naman sabihin mo, wak na siya pumunta dun sa company study nila. Haayy..

Sweetcheeks: Eh un naman pala sweetcheeks. Di ba? Intindihin mo na lang. Kasi important talaga un.

ME: Nakakadisappoint lang.. Uu, gets ko, studies un e. Pero wala lang.. Minsan, gusto kong maging selfish.. I just need him right now.. badly. ='( And it's not just because it's our monthsary.. Haayy.. Everything around me just fucked up. Tapos, parang siya na lang pinanghahawakan ko, wala pa.. Nakakadisappoint. I just feel so alone. ='( Even though I know I got you guys, iba syempre pag si Rai.. Haayyy...

Make me feel better. =(

Haaayyy... It's our 7th monthsary today. But guess what? It's not a good day again. Nothing happened that made my day good. I think, just the same with our 6th. Is this what will always happen to our monthsary? If that's the case, I won't be looking forward to the 15th of every month. =(

You know how I hate not having to see you every week. It's very hard for me to ease the loneliness of not being with you. Yeah, I got to talk to you but it's always different to have you beside me, laughing with me, singing for me, or just bum around with me. I always want you around me even though I know it's very impossible for us. That's why I only ask one day for every week from you. But we do know that sometimes, it just can't happen. But for this special day? I can't be with you? It sucks.. BIG TIME. I HATE IT. ='(

*sigh* I don't want to blog anymore. I can't blog what I really feel inside. Words are just ain't enough for all the emotions that I am feeling right now -- hurting, disappointed, very much loneliness, emptiness, lost and every little word that you can associated with sadness or bad feeling. =( I just want to cry.. badly.



I feel the tiredness again. =( Everything's fucked up with my life. Even the only thing I am just holding into.... you. T____T

Who want CHANGES?

July just started and the month of June just passed. But obviously, in my life, there are a lot of changes that has been happening. I don't know if I successfully adapted with the situation but I believe that I'm not yet done and over it. I just can't cope with changes that easily. DANG.

Let me just rant all about it...

Lola went to GA

First stop was actually last May --a few days before the end of that specific month. My lola flew to Georgia and she will be staying there for six months. Yeah, luckily, not for good. I really can't imagine my life before without my beloved lola. She's like my Mom to me. She takes care of me a lot especially about my food. My mom can sleep without checking if I ate 3 times a day while my lola will always bug and ask me if I already eat. Hahaha!

I have been independent to her for so long.. like since birth because my mom is working. So I really cried and was super worried when she left us to go to Georgia. :(

But of course, I'm happy that she experienced being with Tito Ric's family. :)



Rai's parents arrived from MD

Oh yeah, gone are the days when I can just go to his place whenever I want.. or mostly, every weekends. It's like my weekend getaway to be at their place and just spending the night with him. Not the day because I'm just sleeping during the day after work. Haha! And yeah, we don't get to see that much often now. Talk about weekends as OFTEN. Psh.

But of course, I'm happy that his parents arrived because I know that he definitely missed them.. especially during special occasions.


My uncle arrived from Puerto Galera

My boyfriend and I's resort for the not-seeing-each-other-days would be by ALWAYS talking over the phone. Yeah, it's already a "session" that we talk whenever I arrive from work (that's during the morning when he don't have school yet) and before I go to work (evenings before he sleep). But now that his parents arrive, 9PM is lights out and we can't talk for so long over the phone. Reason? Parents, of course. My mom also do that to me. It's just that, she's not always around. Bwahaha.

AND since my uncle arrived from Puerto Galera, he occupied Lola's place. Eh, my brother and I was the one occupying that because it has the sala, dining, kitchen, cr and everything already! And yeah, the phone is also there. So, since he arrived, I cannot use the phone anymore. Hah! I don't want to get hurt by him. :P And seriously, after he arrived, I was never able to step on that room. T__T

Actually, we have an extension phone upstairs and that's with my other uncle. But of course, I don't want to bother just to burn the phone lines. Such a disturbance, right?

So, Rai and I can't talk over the phone anymore as often as we want and we can't see each other as much as we would love to. =(

But of course, I'm happy that my uncle is safe because he left us and work in Puerto Galera starting November of last year and there was no communication at all. I even dreamt of him at times and the dream that I always have is his arrival. Hahaha!


Mostly, the changes that occured REALLY affected my relationship with Rai. =( After six months of getting used to the things that you are doing or having, changes is slowly taking it all away. That's why I hate changes. SUCH A HINDRANCE FOR MY HAPPINESS! X_x I know, this month of June was not an easy month for us. There was so many things that happened and I know, I gave so much drama. Hubby, sorry. =( I've been insecured about our relationship and I just can't help it. I'm trying my best to keep our relationship intact despite the distance but fate can't just get enough of giving us challenges. ARGH. I'm just thinking of what you're always saying.. this will not happen forever. Everything will go back to its places again and we will live happily ever after. YEHEYYY! Hahahaha! But seriously, thanks for staying with me. :)



And yeah, there's another change that occurred that is definitely giving me a lot of stress!

"Acting Coach" for Wave 7

I definitely would love to try being a coach but I'm just not ready yet handling new agents. I just can't stand how irrational sometimes, they can be. I would choose handling my group, two teams from Security Freeze, than handling Dispute and the newest wave that we have. ARGGGGGHHH. It's really stressful having them.

And why I was appointed there? There supposed-to-be coach is always absent. Some are already joking that she's making Sitel a part-time job e. She's just showing up like once every two weeks? COME ON. And my boss, the Operations Manager (OM), was the one who appointed me to handle that wave. Oh yeah, I was overwhelmed but... I believe I'm still adjusting, until now. T____T

And hey, awhile ago, my friend ask me on what is my current status on the floor. I told him that I really don't know. I am Line 2 aka L2, Real Time Analyst (RTA) and Siebel Assistant (for sales). All-in-one. DANG. (Salary increase! LOL.) But for now, I am the coach for Wave 7. He told me, he's a QA (Quality Analyst), that they received an e-mail that our OM is asking for an L2 for our department, Security Freeze, and there was a note there that they cannot choose me anymore for I'll be manning wave 7. I don't know if I should be happy because I don't need to handle many people but... I'd rather choose my team rather than wave 7. Hahahaha! I know favoritism, LOL, but I'm just used (gamay) with my team. X___x

I don't know what's happening. I'm just being stressed out with whatever is happening in my life. I want my life during summer... and fast forward to me being a coach. BWAHAHAHA. :P


Oh hell, whatever. This has been a very loooooooooong rant already. Hahaha! I doubt if someone reached the end of this blog. LOL.


Another thing... (Meron pa?)


I'm excited for the coming months... Hehe!

By August, his parents will go back to MD. But his Dad is not yet sure. So, I can get my happy weekends again in their house. :)

By the end of October, before my birthday!!!, Lola will go back here in PH. She told me the last time that we talked that she do have a gift for me. She's actually excited. Haha! I don't know what would that be but of course, I'm not expecting it's a laptop or something techie. My Lola won't be excited because of that. Maybe, it's a dress... something to wear! That's what can excite her. Haha! Waaaaaaaa. I wonder.. Naexcite tuloy ako. Hahahaha!

By November, Tito told us that he will go back to Puerto Galera so... the phone will be back to MY possession. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

By December, it's my anniversary with Rai. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =)

That's it. ENOUGH. HAHAHAHA! :P

Ok ka ba chan?

My inbox suddenly kept on beeping because of constant messages. So, I checked on who texted and it was Chan who Y!Med me.

chan: bhaby kew >:D<>:D<>:D<>



N.O.N.S.T.O.P.

So I got my YM online to see on what's his problem. Here's our convo:

L: /:) bored?
chan: bcoz of me?
chan: hehehe
L: im asking you if you're bored.
chan: wrong sent..
chan: hehe
L: what wrong sent?
chan: yung reply ko kanina
chan: senxa..
chan: papasok ka pa???
L: ung "bcoz of me"?
chan: ahuh
L: yep. papasok pa ko. 10pm na. nakakatamad e.
chan: ok ka n ba?
L: me pantal pa rin. nangangati pa nga rin ako e.
chan: di wak ka na pumasok
L: hindi pwede. critical work day ngayon e. bawal umabsent.
chan: aaahhh.. kaw bahala.. sana lang nde ka maging critical.. haha
L: hahahaha! hindi naman siguro.
L: why you're calling me "bhaby kew" nga pala?
chan: na miz ko lang ..
L: ha
chan: baket bawal na ba?
L: ?
L: uhmm.. bhaby mo pa rin ba ko? haha.
chan: uu naman..
chan: kahit ayaw mo
chan: :P
chan: :))
L: me ganun?! addeeeek.
chan: nde mo na na miz un
chan: 15 m caloocan
chan: :D
chan: :))
chan: asl?
L: ang dami mong alam.
chan: hehhehe
chan: assuuss.. nangiti ka din siguro
L: psh. adeeek. di mo na ko pwedeng tawaging bhaby kew noh.
L: at hindi ka na 15. :P
chan: hehehe
chan: bakit?
L: BAWAL. me nagmamay ari na sa kin. BLEH :P



Ohhkaaaay. That was our convo. Chan was my ex way way back before. Like.. when I was in 4th year high school. Talk about agessss! :P

Missed talks.

Just got off from the phone after talking to him. Awww. I miss our long talks. :( It's a nice feeling having to talk to you again over the phone. :) Refreshing. Haha!

I think I'm getting use to not having phone talks with you. But the good thing is, whenever I got the chance to have that again, I love the "missed feeling". It's like falling in love again.. over and over. Ahaha. Me ganun?!

Oh well, look how time flies. It's been a month since we have this kind of sitch. And I guess, I'm pretty adapting with our situation. I still have my down feeling but I guess, I'm learning how to handle it. Just don't blame me if I usually have those. Hey, I remember what you said yesterday, "Normal lang sa magkalayo ang magdramahan." Hahaha. Loooove it. Thanks for always understanding me. Thanks for always loving me even though it's hard for you to do that during difficult times. That's why I love you more. Hihi. :P

Oh well, now that I gave you permission to read this, I believe that this will just be my way of letting things out.. things that I can't say over the phone or I can't say as of the moment. At times, I'll just pretend that you won't be reading it. Hahahaha! Let's see on how good am I fooling myself. LOL

I remember something again! (I'm good at remembering? :P) When you told (or invited) me yesterday that you want me to come when you're going out with your family, I was overwhelmed. I felt truly special. Awww. You're so sweet. :) Just want to say that. Haha! I can't find words to explain e. I'm still overwhelm! :P

He's not in the mood. =(

Written around 10AM


Woke up in a high mood. I was about to write something lively but.. you're not in the mood. I'm affected. :( I'm not used seeing you feel so down. :( Maybe because you're my other half.. I feel whatever you feel. *sigh* I just hope that you will be okay, soon.

I want to know what's bothering you. I asked you and I believe that you're not yet in the mood to open up. I'll just wait for the time that you will tell me the real score. I know that you can't help it anyways. :) Just give me a text or ring, okay? I miss you.

*sigh* I'm still wondering what happened last night. Argh.





Oh well, I noticed something.. actually, I've noticed this before and I just need to blurt it out right now. Whenever I post something in your accounts, you're deadma noh? You're not taking notice of it. Most of the time, I feel like you don't appreciate me giving lil notes to you through your accounts. But somehow, I learned to dismiss the feeling. You're just not the type to reply to every message that I give. Even with text messages, you're not just into replying. Hehe. Right?

It would be nicer if you can reply. Just show some appreciation. Haha! But of course, I won't tell you that I really want that to happen. Ayoko nga. Bleh :P I don't know. I'm really not the type who always say what I want. If I will be doing that everytime, I will feel like you're just spoiling me that's why you're doing things that I want. Wala lang... But hey, I'm trying to open up to you about the things that hurt me or whatever I like, right? I'm trying. Ahaha. :)

Changes.. I HATE YOU.

I was pretty upset for today. It started this morning and I am still upset until now. And probably, that's the reason I haven't pack yet my things to bring for tomorrow's team building slash swimming. :(

Yesternight's shift was very tiring. I was the coach for our newest wave on the floor which is wave 7. They've been taking calls for two months already with us but they have so many issues. I don't know with them.. Hmppp! That's why my Wednesday shift was really stressful and tiring. I kept on walking around the production floor, the good thing is they did not give me any supp calls. I believe I only got 2 last night. Good thing. :)

I arrived last night at work around 10PM and I left around 8:30AM. Talk about being a dedicated coach for I cannot just leave them behind. :( After that, I went to the grocery to buy some chocolates for them later. I told them that for every sale, I will be giving them chocolate. Let's talk about boosting them to have their sales. Haha!

By 10:30AM or so, I arrived at home and ate brunch. My feet and knees are uber aching and I just want to relax or let's say, free my mind from all of the stress. So, I decided to ask my boyfriend if I can call him because I surely miss him. :( We were not able to talk that much last night because of the problem with our cellphone. X( So, he said yes to my request. I called him. We talked for a while and then it started to get noisy at his place. He was actually at the pc shop during that time while waiting for the 12noon time. I don't know what happen but I just got irritated. Maybe because I'm stressed and tired of my day and I just want to talk to him just to calm me. He's the one that can always calm me.. But then, because of the situation, I bid my goodbye and told him that I'll be sleeping already. ARGH. I hate it.

After our talk, I don't know what happened. I just noticed that I can't help my tears from falling. Fucking emo. X____x I dunno. Maybe during that time, I just need someone to talk to, to listen to, or just for me to unwind and I can find nobody. :( I can't talk to him. Fucking noise. *sigh*


"Miss ko na ung nakakausap kita lagi... Ung oras ung tinatagal ng pag-uusap natin... Ung alam na alam ko lahat ng nangyayari sa'yo... Haayy... Nababago na talaga lahat sa paraang hindi ko gusto pero wala kong magawa... I hate it. ='("

Smile for me.

I miss you. I miss seeing you smile. I miss you making me laugh so loud. I miss everything about you.

You know why I wanted to see in the webcam? Well, you're right, I miss you. And I just can't admit it but I really do. Damn this pride. Damn with my feelings. Damn childishness.

I really missed seeing you smile. Whenever we get to talk, there are more times when you are sad. There are times that I don't need to see it for I can surely feel it. And I hate the feeling. I know it's me that is making you sad. I know I'm the reason for your misery. And I just can't end it up. Sorry. ='(

I miss you. I miss us. I miss what we used to be before. I was just thinking that after this, we'll be better and grow as partners. That's where I'm getting my strength. :)

Words not allowed.

There is so much that I want to say. But I cannot. You're right, it's not bad to tell a person that you misses him/her if that person is important to you. But.. I don't know. Maybe, it's my pride that's hindering me to say things.

Okay, I'll just tell things here that I want to say to you.. just to let it out. I love you. I love you so much. I miss you also. I want you to be here right beside me. I want to feel the warmth of your embrace. I want to touch your face and see you smile while you're looking in my eyes. I miss you touching my face and telling me how beautiful I am in your eyes. I miss saying I love you before we put down the phone. I miss updating you of what is happening to my day. I miss having you beside me. I miss everything about you! ='(

I'm sorry. I know I'm making this hard for you. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me for what I am doing to you, for making you suffer. If you only know, I am suffering more than you. I'm hurting while you're hurting. Baby... T__________T

Missed.

I am missing you. I know you can't feel that. I know I won't be saying that later once we talk. But believe me, I really miss you. I just don't want you to know about that. I don't want you to feel comfortable again. Oh yes, I'm guarding my heart now. *sigh*

I woke up around 6:30 in the morning, I took my phone out of my pillow and checked if you already texted me. But of course, there's no text yet. It's very early in the morning! Hah. Once I look at my phone, I saw our picture together.. my primary photo in Facebook. I can't help but touch it. I was particularly touching your face. I was wishing that I can touch and feel it right now. Hell, I'm still craving for you.

Once I woke up, I wanted to text you something like, "Good morning bebs ko! Kakagising ko pa lang po. Text me once you woke up ha?" I wanted to update you on what I was doing while waiting for you to wake up. But I cannot. Maybe it's pride or maybe, I want to learn to be independent from you. I know I've been depending on you for the last six months. I've been depending my happiness and every feeling I have. You know that? You're the only one that can make me happy, sad and angry the most. So now, I'll try to go back to myself for maybe, I'm neglecting myself again. :(

I'll just think that everything will be fine.. Soon.

Feelings.

12AM

I don't know what I should feel as of the moment. Yeah, I still don't know. I don't know how to react to the things that is happening to us.

I never expected that you'd say yes to me when I asked my freedom from you. Maybe you said yes because you're hoping that this is what I only want and that you can surpass the challenge that I am giving you. Or maybe, that's what you think of being fair to me. When you agreed to my conditions, I don't know if I should be happy or what. Should I be happy because I can enjoy my singleness? Or should I not be because I don't want my freedom? What I really want is for our relationship to be fix. I know it is not that broken. We just had a misunderstanding or such. I just felt that maybe, that would be the right decision for both of us so that you will understand how I feel.

I was thinking, maybe you are taking me for granted because I gave myself to you easily. Maybe, you're already overconfident about us. You're so comfortable that you won't be losing me unless, we'll have our junior in the early stage of our relationship. That's the only reason that I am telling you whenever we talk about leaving each other, right? So maybe, you're not thinking of other factors that might push me from leaving.

I feel like I'm draining already. I feel like you're challenging my love for you. Do you want me to be tired of this maze that we have? But you told me you don't want that to happen, right? *sigh* I wish you really don't want that.

Baby, please, don't take me for granted. That's the thing that I hated the most. I don't want to be put aside even though I'm already doing my best. I know you don't mean it. I know you don't want to hurt me. But you're hurting me for not doing anything. I wanna feel special.. by you. I can actually feel that at times, but when I needed that the most? I can't feel it.

I can see the efforts and the things you've done for me. But I'm just craving for more.. especially for this critical moment. Slowly, our connection will be lessen. Secure my feelings, please? I'm very afraid to get hurt and I know you don't want to do that. I know that you know how it feels like to be hurt by someone you love that's why I trusted my heart to you. So please, don't disappoint me. I will always be ready to give my heart, myself, to you. But maybe this time, you really need to earn it. So that you'll be very careful now.

Remember what you said earlier? "Iniingatan pa naman kita tapos ako din pala makakasakit sa'yo." That hurts, big time. I just hope that you do understand why I did what I did.

I'll be waiting for you to appreciate me more. I won't be entertaining any other guys even though we are back to basics. I trust you.. so much. So please, make me feel that you deserve my love and trust again.

I love you. I really really do. Even though I can't say it as of the moment. If you only know how hard for me not to say that to you.

Hey, you know what? During our phone convo, while you were singing to me the Far Away song, I just wanted to touch your face then. I wanted to erase the sadness in your face. I really want to tell you that I still love you and that it is hard for me to do this but I just can't.. for I know it will do no good for us. If only you can see me. This is hard for me also baby, but I'm doing this for us. Please try to understand.

6th month?

Oh yeah, it was our 6th monthsary yesterday. But guess what? I did not feel it that much. *sigh* Maybe because I ended up sleeping the day before that feeling disappointed. :(

I don't know. I do love him. REALLY. I can feel that and I do know that he can feel that. But sometimes, I feel that it's a one-way relationship. Or maybe, we have a different understanding about "relationship". :( *sigh* We never had trust issues. I believe that he can't cheat on me and he do trust me with that one also. If I ever wanted to cheat on him, I should have done it before. But I really cannot. Hey, I do know how to be faithful and loyal. :P

If ever that we will be breaking up, I was thinking that maybe, it will be because of our differences. Or because of this thing that I usually have issue with. Sometimes, I feel so drain that I am the only one giving and not being able to receive any. Okay, just to clear that, I am not giving anything so that I can receive. It's just that, to be fair. I'm just hoping that maybe, he can just reciprocate the love that I am showing him. *sigh* Am I expecting too much? But hey, I am not actually expecting. I am only hoping.. that maybe, just maybe, he can make me feel more special.. especially during our special day.

Speaking of that special day, it actually embarks as a change in our relationship. After six months of being together, the next six months would be effing changes for us. His parents will be coming later, and yeah, will be staying until December -- our anniversary. So, I am expecting a lot of change will happen within the next day.

Actually, I don't know what to feel right now. Psh. I STILL don't know how to react. Maybe, I'm just making this an effing big issue between us. And he don't even know what I'm feeling right now. :(

WHATEVS. I QUIT. I GIVE UP.

Wearing the Pants

According to the Urban Dictionary, "wearing the pants" refers to the more dominant person in a relationship and one who showers their boyfriend with more love than the he could ever even begin to imagine bestowing upon her. And wearing the pants has absolutely NOTHING to do with the actual size of the pants being worn.

It's like you are the girl and most of the time, you are the one who decides about your relationship. You are the one who picks where you will go, eat or what will you do. Some guys will be saying that they are only spoiling their girls but some of them don't really know how to decide that's why they just pass the role to the girls.

Some girls will feel that they are actually strong because they are the one dominating the relationship. They will feel that they can handle it and their respective partners are actually the one who is "under". But as time pass by, I know girls will be tired of this set up. Girls will remember their role and what they deserve. Girls should still be treated as girls or as a woman. No girl will ever say that she don't want to be treated as one.

Personally, I am use to wearing the pants in a relationship. I do believe that I have a domineering personality that some might think that I'm overconfident. I love deciding when it comes to relationship but then again, I know how to get tired.

I am great playing the role of a man because on my end, I know what a girl or a person really wants. Actually, the only tip for that is, "do the things that you want him to do for you". If you want to receive something, give something. It's a give and take relationship anyway. Men are just naive, most of the time, to think of that way.

Oh well, I'm just talking about this because sometimes, I am really tired of doing all the things in a relationship. Sometimes, I just want to stop making efforts and just wait and see on what will happen. But then, I'm also scared of what will happen. What if he will not do anything about it? What if he will just let me and he will not notice about it?

If I stopped caring, giving attention, showering you with praises and gifts, will you ever notice?

Late Post: April 10

It's already 9:53 in the morning and I still have no plans of sleeping.. yet. I arrived from work around 8AM and was trying to call him but he's still sleeping. Not much of a big deal.. I just want to hear his voice.. and so I thought.

I don't have a voice as of the moment. Actually, starting last night once I woke up. Not bothered that much because I do know that I have a male voice everytime I woke up so I thought it was normal. Until I'm already at work and my voice is still as low as a male. Darn. My voice makes me money therefore, it is precious. Don't get me wrong. I am no singer. I just really need my voice with my work. Haha!

We were eating "lunch" around 3 in the morning and talking about some stuffs when I felt something between my pants. And there you go, I just blurted out, "Oh my. I think I have my period. I can feel it flowing." Hahaha! What a mouth. =)) So after eating, I went to the other pantry to buy a napkin and there, I really got my period.

Good news or bad news? It's not yet the 14th and I'm not yet expecting it. I was not prepared at the moment but at least, I still got my period. Haha! Something fishy going on? Definitely. :P


Current status: Too lazy to sleep. Misses him badly -- or let's say, CRAVES FOR HIM. Still got my period and experiencing stomach pains. Don't want to go to work later! ARGH.

Random in AM

Being the first means a lot and you can’t just erase that fact. He will always be special to me. But that’s just it. Or that’s just what I want him to be.

**

She’s still pretty as ever. We still care for each other. But that’s just it. I won’t let her to get into my nerves again.

**

I am still craving for Black Forest! I want an



Apple iPhone,

PSP (slim!)

and an iPod vid.


And hey, I still want a Portable DVD.


Grrrr. How I love to buy gadgets. But I can still stop myself from doing so. I should not be spending my money to things I don’t really need.

**

I want to be shower with gifts! Who doesn’t anyway? You should not have asked me if I still want “Tiny” because I still do. I just put it at the back of my mind but I still do want that. Ahaha. I want Tiny with a bouquet of flowers!



Bwahaha. Demanding, eh? But I won’t be expecting. You’re not the type anyway. =P

**

I want to marry you NOW. I want to be with you. I want to spend my nights with you. But that’s a crazy thing to do. We’re still young. Ahaha! And I am not yet ready… financially. Or rather, it’s you that is not yet ready. I want to live a luxurious life. Haha!

**

My confidence is leaving me. I have this feeling that I won’t pass as a coach. I won’t pass my interview or people will still think that I am not yet ready even though I really want to try it. I still don’t know on what I really want in my career life. There are times that I think I can be in the company for as long as I can but then, there are times that I really want to teach but I don’t want to study. Bwahaha.

**

There are times that I think that you don’t deserve me. Times that I think I’m just the one making all of the efforts. But then I can see myself wrong because you are doing what you can… simple things but it really matters. I just don’t want to see it that way. How to learn to expect a little? Or never to expect? Darn.

She’s still pretty as ever… *sigh*

May 11, 2009
3:48 AM

I was browsing the internet awhile ago when the connection was disconnected. So I just decided to clean my desktop for there are so many notepads, documents and songs scattering around. I changed my wallpaper to a picture of my hubby and then, I noticed the “JKDS” folder. Of course, I do know whose folder is that… my beloved past. Ahaha. Noticed how I used the word “beloved”? Lol.

I was browsing her folder out of curiosity. It was actually from her phone’s memory card. And yes, I was able to find so many pictures. What do you expect from a camwhore like her? Ahaha. And hey, we also have some pictures there. I never thought that she will still keep it. Am I touched? Yeah right. Haha! So, I was just browsing the pictures when I can’t help but say, “She’s still pretty as ever”. Oh well, she’s really beautiful even before. She looks mature now because of the make up that she usually puts on but with or without, she’s still pretty. Ohh-kayyy, lesbo mode? Ahaha.

Just can’t help but miss her. Or let’s say… the way we were before. I never regretted that I had her and vice versa. I never regretted what we had. But I won’t be trading anything just to get that again. Anyways, I still have her. But of course, we are just plain best friends right now. I know and feel that there are still connections between us and there are still possibilities. But then… oh hell. What am I thinking? I’m letting her to get into my nerves again. Grrrrr.

Oh hubby, forgive me if I am weak… if I was weak. X_x But I do love you. I really really do. There are just moments that I can’t help but to go back to that past. Reminisce about it and remember again how hurt was I. And yeah, it’s like I’m hurting myself again for thinking about it. I don’t know with myself. Maybe it’s my period that makes me so sensitive like this. But…. *sigh*. Just always remember that I love you… and you’re the one that I love now.

Safe Secret

I told you yesterday that I'm worried that my secret blog won't be safe anymore right? Because of a stupid thing I did. Good thing that I verified that it's a safe secret again. Haha!

Last night, I asked my boyfriend if he saved the links that I gave him for the blog that I allowed him to read. He told me that he did not save it and he only viewed it using the links that I gave him. Good thing! Oh well, he's always like that. I just had doubts that he might save it but he's not the type. Unlike me that almost all of the things, I'm saving it in my computer. Haha! Even our convos before.. Imagine that!

Good thing he's not the type and my secret blog is safe again. :)

Anyway, I was talking to him awhile ago and I told him that I was writing to you. He wants to read my blog but it's okay with him if I don't want him to. Oh, such an understanding hubby. :x But I really want to burst now. I just want to give the link to him. But, I'm stopping myself. Haha! What's the sense of having you if little by little I'll be telling people about you? Right? So, I'll just control myself. :)

And yeah, I have plans of telling my boyfriend about you.. about your link but that would be once we broke up. And that's a blurry thing. We won't be breaking up. So I guess, I'll keep you forever... until I can. Haha! BLEH =P

Not So Cool

I finally know what seems to be the problem with my boyfriend. Yesterday, I told you that he's not texting me right? And he didn't even call our home to tell me what's happening to him. So around three in the afternoon, I called their place and interrogated him on why he's not texting. He said his phone is busted as of the moment and he don't have any signal. He kept on trying to turn off and on his phone to see if there's any improvement but there's none. Fcuk. That's why he can't text me.

I was so worried during that time that I was so cold and asked him, "Why did you not call me here at home?" He told me he was thinking that I am busy. Psh. I always have time for him, doesn't he know that fact? :( I answered, "So if I did not call, you will never call me because you will always think that I am busy? Psh." He said no and told me that he do have plans of calling me but not as of the moment. I hate it. He thought that I am busy but it never crossed to his mind that I'm also worrying about him. X(

After that talk, I told him I'll be going out and hung up the phone. But after I accompanied my cousin, once I got home, I called him again and try to make amends. I was in the cool state already but he still got that lonely voice. :( I was worried again for there might be another problem. X_x But then again, I need to cut off our conversation because I need to babysit my other cousin. Then, I slept. Haha!

I called him again once I woke up around ten in the evening. I was only trying that he might stilll be awake by that time and yes, he was. I told him about what happened during my day and he was worried because I got a cut on my finger. He was so worried that I thought he was angry at me because I only cleaned my finger using water and not alcohol. Hah! Talk about a scary cat. :-S After that, I wanted to eat already and my head is aching so we decided to say our goodbyes. My auntie's family is also at our living room and I don't want them to take notice of me being so long already at the phone. So I told him my goodbyes and told him that I'll be sleeping already.

Just this morning, I woke up around six in the morning and decided to go up and ate breakfast. I texted him because I do have hopes that his phone will be okay soon. I kept on texting him neglecting the fact that his phone is busted. Talk about hoping, eh? Then I slept again for I cannot call at their place because I do know he's still sleeping. And by ten in the morning, I called at their place and say my Good Mornings to him. Ahaha. He just woke up and we only have a few chat. At least, we were cool -- hmm, slight. He's still down because of what happened to his phone. Argh. I want to buy him a new phone already! But he don't want me to. :( He's thinking that people might think that he's only using me because of my money. Oh well, I love you baby and don't care about what people with think because that's not what I'm thinking about you! So, I tried if I can make him say if I told him that I'm just gonna let him borrow one. But still, he don't want to. He'll buy a simcard later so that he can try if it's only a sim card problem. I do wish!

It's just today that I realize that it's really hard without having a phone. Yesterday, I was thinking that it's only his phone and that we can still talk over our residential phone. But once I woke up this morning, I realized that it's quite hard. I don't know on what time will he wake up or what he's doing as of the moment unlike before. :( And he's also worried because he's going to their school tomorrow and he can't text me. Haaayyy.. I just don't want to show him that I'm affected also because he'll be more affected. :(

I just wish that you're phone will be fixed soon baby.
I miss your text messages. :(

Stupid mouth!

Last night, my boyfriend asked if I already wrote a blog about what happened yesterday. I said yes and told him that I did not write it in Multiply.

During the afternoon yesterday, I was so stupid that I can't help myself telling him that I have a secret blog. Hahaha! You know the feeling that you have a secret that you just want to burst? You just want to blurt it out? That's what I felt yesterday. Oh well, he can't search for this anyway.

But.. with what I did? He do have resources now that if ever he want to, he can know search my secret blog. AMF. Yesternight, he wants to read the blog that I wrote that I can't help but to say yes to his plead. So, I print screened my blog, uploaded it to photobucket and gave him the link to that. And it's just know that I realized that he can already search for my blog!

He can just copy paste one sentence in my blog, then BINGO! He can find this! Oh shit. I just wish that he can't think of that. X_x

Now.. my secret is in danger.
Thank you to my stupid mouth and mind. X_x

He is Bleach

*Just want to remind you that I won't be giving real names in this blog. Real names are definitely a no-no here in case someone will search for something and will incidentally go to my blog. Protecting the persons that are involved here? Hahaha! Hell, yeah. :P



Last night, he texted me and told me that he's home already. Actually, it's not a personal message and twas a group message to all his contacts in Y!M. Then once I went online, that's the time that I read his status that he went to their province. Doesn't matter that much for we don't communicate anymore and.. he's always like that.

I known Bleach since high school and that was the time that Air and I were a couple. They were friends and they do know each other that's why technically, I also know Bleach. But ever since, he's the quiet type. And when we got to talk last year, like January or before that, he told me that he also courted me while I was with Air. But hell, I can't remember it. Hahaha!

We got the chance to talk again during that time because.. he started courting me. We started to text and talk to each other at the wee hour of the night. I enjoyed his company and our conversation. There was even a time when he fetched me around five in the morning so that we can eat breakfast in a 24hour store. I was dead hungry during the time that we were talking and we waited for the gate to be opened by five in the morning and there, we ate. Twas sweet, though. He even treated me. Haha! And we were hiding from my mom because we open our store around six in the morning.

During that time, I was decided already that once he asked me, I'll say yes to him. Yeah, I want to be his girlfriend and I want to give it a try. But then, it was complicated. I still have Shy during that time and he only got a "cool off" with his girlfriend Antsy. So, we lost communication and part ways. I don't want to be with him anymore for I don't want a complicated relationship.

But last month, he started texting me again and trying to revive our communication. He told me he still has a crush on me and he still wants me as a girlfriend. But hell, he's still committed with Antsy. Whenever I want to talk about her, he don't want to. Ha! Maybe he was feeling guilty that he's flirting with me even though he still has a girlfriend.

I do have a boyfriend, of course you know that. But I still want to experience on how to be his girlfriend. Is he sweet? Is he caring? Can he fetch me also from work? Can we always be together? He just live nearby so that might be possible. Hmm.. Does he kiss sweetly? Is he delicious? LMAO. Seriously, I just want to know. I'm just curious. But, I so love my boyfriend. And he don't deserve to be cheated. That's why I just reply to Bleach's text whenever my boyfriend allow me to and that's it.

Now, Bleach and I's communication were back to zero. We don't text anymore. We don't talk anymore. And if ever I'll be seeing him outside, I won't be minding him. I won't even smile to him. It's not being bitter. It's not being shy. I just can't see any reason for me to do that.

But hell, I'm still curious on what's the feeling of him having as a boyfriend? Oh well, it's not our time. Or maybe, we will never have our time to be in a relationship. And I won't be risking my relationship with my boyfriend just because of my curiousity. Bleh =P

Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay...

.. yakapin mo ako. *sings*

I miss you. After you woke up, you did not text me anymore. You're phone is also out of reach. I kept on texting you, updating you on what is happening to me but there, no reply -- not even a blank message. :(

Woke up this morning around eight, went to our living room and asked my brother to buy breakfast for us. He bought spaghetti and told me that I should eat a lot because my mom told me that I need to do the laundry. It's okay with me because I don't have nothing to do anyway. And weekends here at home means cleaning the room, doing the laundry or going online all day. After taking a medicine for my tooth that aches, I did the laundry together with my mom. Ha! Bonding moment? Ahaha. :)

Doing the laundry was very tiring because my mom is with me. She won't let me leave it all with the power of the washing machine. She wants me to wash also the clothes with my bare hands while the clothes are spinning.

While I was putting the clothes under the sun, the long stick that I was using gave me a bloody hand -- or finger. I need to use the stick (panungkit) because our sampayan is too high. I was not that worried. I just went to our store, got a band aid, cleaned my finger using water then put the band aid. It doesn't hurt anyway, good thing!

After all the things that I need to do, and while I'm doing it, I kept on texting him. Still, no reply. I even texted him that I was hurt but he's still not replying. A while ago, he told me that he'll be doing the laundry also. But their washing machine just needs to be programmed and he don't need to do anymore about it. Then, while watching the television, I tried to call their house but it's busy. That's the time that I only remember that it's Sunday and it's their time to talk to their parents living in United States. That was during 12 in the noon ha? And look, it's almost 2 in the afternoon and still, no trace of him. I'm starting to get paranoid already. So busy that he can't text me? I just need a single message that he's busy and he can't text me as of the moment so that I won't be worrying or get paranoid. Argh. I hate you for not doing it. :(

Oh well, I'll just pretend that I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not worrying at all. But later, once you talk to me, you'll be dead. I'll be cold to you -- your punishment. Bwahahaha. BLEH =P

I miss you.. I'm worrying.. and I hate you for making me feel like this. :(

Cellphone got lost! :(

Once my boyfriend and I arrived at their place, I was checking my bag and looking for my phone. But I can't seem to find it. X_x He told me that we'll just go inside and search for it. I don't want to go yet because the tryke is still outside and I might dropped it there.. just like before. But he wanted to go inside so I just go with the flow. Once we're at the terrace, it's really not in my bag anymore.. and not even on my pocket! I was in a blank state again -- thinking of what should I do or what should I feel. Hah! I even told him, "Hayaan mo na yun." AMP.

Even before we ride the tryke, I really wanted to pee. So, once he opened the door, I went to his room, put out all of the things in my bag. And yes, it's really not there. So I escaped and went to the CR so that he won't be seeing my reaction. When I was at the CR, I really wanted to cry but I don't want to because it's nonsense. I don't know.. I always think that way. What will happen if I did this? Will I get what I want? Psh.

Once I go out again from the bathroom, I searched again my bag and when I accepted the fact that it's not really there, I just laid my back in the bed. I just let it go. If I meant to loose it, then so be it. It's because of my stupidity anyways.. no one to be blame but me. So I was trying to calm myself.. then he told me that someone texted him using my phone but it was blank. After one blank text, another one came in. So I asked him to call my phone. Then he called and all I can hear was his questions/interrogations like "Where did you get this phone?", "Where are you?". "What place are you staying?", "Jeep?", "Olympia?", "Gate?", "I live nearby, I'll go there."

I was expecting by that moment.. but not much. The last time that we rode a jeep was when we were in Quiapo and there is no jeepney around their subdivision.. come on! I was thinking that the person might have plans of running with my phone and they can easily do that. After my hubby went out of the house to go to the gate, I was praying.. or chanting, I guess? =)) I was saying, "Please, please, give my phone back, Lord. Please. I work hard so that I can buy that. Please, please, please." But I was also telling Him that if He want it that way, so be it. I'll accept that fact. :)

Then I heard the gate that was opened. So I pretended to be sleeping because I don't know what emotion will register in my face. I don't know what will my reaction be after. Then he "woke me up" by giving me my phone. And I was really happy! =)

Oh my dear hubby, you don't know how happy I am. That's why I kept on hugging him and kept on saying Thank You. Hahaha! I'm sooooo glad that he found it again. Good thing the person gave it back. And according to him, it was the guard who got it and it felt at the humps when we were in the tryke once we enter the subdivision. What an incident. But at least, it was found. YAYYY! =D

And my boyfriend gave money to the guard. Hahaha! Nice. :)

Hey, I remember, do you know what's on my phone screen if my boyfriend is calling to me? Err, it's a picture of us. Me in undies and he in sando. And it was just our upper body that was taken ha? But... even though. HAHAHAHA! NAUGHTY ME!

And my boyfriend was even joking me, maybe that's why the person took a long time before he answered the call. Maybe he's still looking at our picture. HAHAHAHAHA! *blushes*

Oh well, guard, thank you!
Especially to you, my dear boyfriend/hubby!
And most especially to You, LORD! :)

After all the excitement...

... it all went down to me going home this weekend. :( The feeling sucks. After being excited for five days to be with him again on weekends, we only spent seven hours together. As in S-E-V-E-N hours only versus the 120 hours that I am thinking of and waiting for the moment to come to see him again and be with him again. It really sucks. I HATE IT. But I just can't show it awhile ago because.. I was still in the state of shock. Hah!

So yeah, he fetched me from work after my shift and then we went to Quiapo and we bought blue ray discs -- Slumdog Millionaire, Silence of the Lambs, Eagle Eye and one collection of action/thriller movies. After that, ate breakfast at Jollibee then went to their place.

After some cuddling, I was waiting for him to put the cd on so that we can go and start watching the movie but then, surprise! His Tita will be coming to their place. So I was like, so what we'll be doing? He told me we'll just go to the market and we can just stay in Greenwich for I also want to buy Pearl Coolers. So I said it's fine with me as long as he is with me. He told me that he might come home. And I was like, "You're gonna leave me there? I'll just go home if it will be a hassle." But he don't want me to go for it is not yet sure if he needs to show up to his auntie.

After fixing myself, he went out and his sister told him that their cousins might be sleeping at their place and I can't stay there, of course. I just told him that I'll just be going home. Of course he was shy with the situation because he was caught off guarded and he doesn't know anything about it. And of course, I was also caught off guarded that's why I choose the best thing to do -- run away with a blank face. Like what I told you awhile ago, I was still in a state of shock by then. I don't know what I should feel for the travel to their place almost took us two hours! We even went to Quiapo awhile ago that's why I was dead tired and if I'll be going home, it's like I'm killing my body for the ride and all. ARGGGGHHH.

BUT.. as if I have a choice? I told him I'm not angry. The usual -- I don't want to be angry or to be pissed because I won't be getting what I want even though I'll be angry or whatsoever. I just remained calm. I dunno. I really have this attitude sometimes that I don't want to show him my feelings. Maybe because I already show him before my weaknesses that's why I'm trying to be strong. Hah!

So... I pretended that I am okay and that everything that is happening is fine with me. [sarcastic]It's okay for me to go home even though I'm dead tired and sleepy by that time already. It's okay that I tired myself to go there and just go home after an hour or so. It's really okay. [/sarcastic] In fairness to him, he kept on asking me, "How can I make it up to you?" He was even telling me suggestions like, "I'll be going to your place next week!" But that's Holy Week already and we planned that we won't be seeing each other for they will be spending the holiday to his auntie's place and they will be returning to their place by Sunday. Hassle right? He told me that he'll just go home early so that we can be together. But then, I don't wanna be a wall to their holidays together. If that's their plan, so be it. I don't want his sisters to think that his life is revolving on me that I might be bad influence to their brother. Talk about image. Hah!

I also told him that I don't have money by that time because our salary will be out by next Monday and not before weekends. He told me he'll borrow money. Hah! I don't want him to. I don't want to create hassle to him. I don't know if I'm shy or.. I really don't want him to suffer to anything that is relating to me.

So, until I came home, I pretended everything is fine until I'll be fine.

Anyway, we talked already awhile ago. Our relationship is back on smooth sailing because he was so sweet once we talked. He was telling me that he can smell me at his room as if I'm just there. He was even joking that he'll just imagine the pillow besides him to be me but once he hugged it, he can't help it anymore. He really can't feel it because there's no boobs. Hahahaha! NAUGHTY!

Oh well, hopes everything will fall to its right place already. Yeah, weekends suck if I'm not with him but I'll just be thinking that there's so many weekends that we can share together anyway. :)

20 hours...

.. more or less, that's the time I still need to wait to be with you again. At least, one more day and I'll be seeing my hubby again. YAYYY! :D

Fridays still bring butterflies to my stomach. A kind of feeling that I'm looking forward for my work shift and how fast it will end -- for that's the time that you'll be fetching me from work. Almost two-hour journey, and you still ain't tired going to work just to be with me on the way to your house. Isn't it a hassle to wake up early in the morning just to go to my work place? It's a journey.. really. And what we really do once we meet is to walk a very long way just to get to the highway, steal kisses from each other and sleep while on the way. Hahaha! Good thing you ain't tired yet.. lucky me! =D

When will I grow tired of you? I dunno. I can't see myself as of now. Of course, I don't want to say it with a period at the end for we will never know what will happen. Just like what they say, before, you cannot see yourself living without each other but little by little you're living the way it is now. Ironic, isn't it? But that's how life is. And I have learned to accept that. Err, still learning. I really don't want to think of negative things about us.. like we won't end up together, one will be unfaithful, etc.

Even though we always text each other, I don't mind and I'm still not sick of it. Anyways, I'm only texting you during the night while you are sleeping and you're texting me during the morning that I am sleeping. How can we be tired of each other that way? Eh we don't have a normal text convo? Hahaha!

Yes, once I woke up in the evening, we will chat until it's time for me to fix myself to go to work. But I still love to hear your voice. I love making fun of you.. and laughing together. I love how you tell stories or how you surprise me by singing after being silent. I love the way you sing to me whenever I requests you to and whenever you sing again when I warned you before that I only want you to sing one song! HAHAHAHA! I love those moments.. and I haven't grew tired of it... yet(?).

I still love seeing you during the weekends.. for that is the only time that we can see each other. That's the only time of the week that I can hug you oh-so-tight and I can steal so many kisses. The only time that I'll be prisoned in your arms that I just wanna stay that way forever.

Weekends. The moment that I will be experiencing like we are living already in a same roof. The feeling like we're husband and wife already. You'll prepare our breakfast, I'll wash the dishes. I go online or text with my friends, you'll be playing with your PSP but we're still beside each other. Cuddling forever.. until we sleep at each other arms...

Oh weekends, I'm excited! Can you come faster than you can? Can you bring my love already? Ohh.. I'm hopeless. HAHAHAHA!


PITY YOU. You still got me tangled up with you. :)

Girl Love

"Sabi ko, kinukwento ko sayo lahat ng kalokohan ko. Tapos sabi ko kunsintidor ka. Haha! Tapos sabi ko mahal na mahal kita na bestfriend ko. Haha!"


My dear ex-girlfriend/bestfriend sent me that message a while ago. Yeah, we were texting and I was the one who initiated the conversation. I was being bothered already with Kiss (not her real name, of course) who kept on talking to me about her -- my dear ex-girlfriend. Okay, let's give my ex a pseudo name like... Shy.

Shy is my one and only girlfriend.. or the only one that I counted in. Okay, I do have another girl before, let's call her Mean but Shy and I always refer to her as "neglected" because I don't really count her as one of my past girl. On what I do know, and that I do accept, is that I only have one girl.. Shy.

My relationship with Shy lasted for two and a half years.. and it ended last March 2008. My relationship with her was the longest one and I do acknowledge the fact that I had the hard(est!) time moving on and letting go of her.. an almost three year relationship is not a joke after all!

So, we're okay now and we're still the best of friends.. but definitely, there are things that changed already. We're not that close anymore but we still keep on updating each other. Maybe that's really how is it.

And there is this new girl in her life -- Kiss. She's actually a friend of ours. I know Kiss first through online and then Shy got to know her and they became closer. Until Shy kept on telling me that Kiss is pretty and she really wants Kiss to be her girl. So, I just go ahead and supported her. Shy has been thinking that I might be jealous or that it might not be fine with me because Kiss is both our friend. But with what's happening with my love life? I can't be bitter or selfish anymore. I am happy now and she deserves that kind of happiness too.

But something came up that makes them go farther from each other. Suddenly, their closeness goes to not talking to each other. Oh yeah, it was Shy who is not talking to her. *Sigh*

Finally, when I talked to her, I know now on what seems to be the problem. She don't want Kiss anymore because she's not a cowboy. She's don't want to ride a jeepney, too much hassle when with her, etc. And she just can't stand her -- all of a sudden. Oh well, there are so many things that you will know about a person once you get to know them or be with them for a longer period.

I was telling Shy awhile ago to have the heart to tell Kiss that she don't want her anymore. It's like being fair.. even though she'll be hurting Kiss' feelings. And guess what? Shy have another flirting buddy -- the ex-girlfriend of Kiss. Bittersweet, isn't it? Sigh.

Too much hassle. Too much issue. That's it for now.
Ssssshhhh! :P

Intro

Okay, we do know that this is a secret blog and there are information about myself that I will keep as a secret.. like my name. Just call me "L".. and guess what does that stands for? Hmmm.. L for love? lust? libido? lies? life? laugh? Haha. Sounds familiar -- Live. Laugh. Love. I see that statement everywhere ah! Oh well.. maybe L stands for my first name. THE USUAL. But I won't be really confessing.. just weigh it out if I'm saying the truth or not. :P

I am 20 years young and will be turning a year older this year, 2009. Working already but not working that hard.. just enjoying it and the money it gives. There's so many lies in my life that I was thinking that I've been living in lies ever since. I was like a child teaching myself to believe to things that are good.. or making others believe that everything will be fine. Living in lies or just being optimistic? Oh well, I think another blog deserves that topic.

I am not single therefore, I am being doubled. LOL. I have a boyfriend, younger than me for a year, and I oh love him so much! He was actually the first reason on why am I making this particular blogspot. I was thinking of putting here the things that I am thinking.. that is mostly about him. Haha! Yeah, love addicted much. And I don't wanna flood my Multiply account anymore with all of it. I know my friends are quite tired already seeing pictures of us and me telling all of those stories. Hahaha! It's not new to me.. but whatever I am experiencing with him.. it's always new. It's like I always fall in love with him. Hahaha! Oh well, stop it. Another blog should be dedicated for my current hubby. Ahaha. Take note of the word "current". LOL

I love talking.. and writing. Hello? That's why my blog's name is blabbermouth. I love gossiping and I love sharing things/stories! I am just not your type of writer -- those who can really write stories and poems. I am only a writer in the sense that I can write my own story -- story of my life, I mean. And this is kinda a practice to the medium I am using. Badly need it. Hahaha!

So, that's it for now. :) There's so many things that I want to write but it's all mixed up in my mind like teaching, love, ex, friends, school, parents, etc. So let's just do it one by one. Just bare with me dear blog. Just be there and don't hung up on me. :P

Secret Start

Okay, so I decided to make a new blog. A very simple blog that I don't wanna personalize like putting my pictures and such so that people won't be knowing who am I. Hahaha!

How to live a secret life? How to put a secret blog? How to keep it up? How can a blabbermouth like me can go ahead and tell tales without telling who I really am? Just wondering.. and thinking that this would be an exciting start. Hahaha!

I'm not making any scene here. First, there's no audience at all for I won't be giving my url to anybody. Second, I won't be going around every blog just to loiter so that they will go ahead and be curious about me and try to check my blog. Not much of an attention-seeker this time.. for a change.

Hopefully, I can shut my mouth and not tell anybody that I have this kind of blog. And I do wish that I won't be forgetting about this blog. Hahaha! I might keep it as a top secret that even myself can't remember it anymore. LOL

That's all for the secret start. Sssshhh. :P