Smile for me.

I miss you. I miss seeing you smile. I miss you making me laugh so loud. I miss everything about you.

You know why I wanted to see in the webcam? Well, you're right, I miss you. And I just can't admit it but I really do. Damn this pride. Damn with my feelings. Damn childishness.

I really missed seeing you smile. Whenever we get to talk, there are more times when you are sad. There are times that I don't need to see it for I can surely feel it. And I hate the feeling. I know it's me that is making you sad. I know I'm the reason for your misery. And I just can't end it up. Sorry. ='(

I miss you. I miss us. I miss what we used to be before. I was just thinking that after this, we'll be better and grow as partners. That's where I'm getting my strength. :)

Words not allowed.

There is so much that I want to say. But I cannot. You're right, it's not bad to tell a person that you misses him/her if that person is important to you. But.. I don't know. Maybe, it's my pride that's hindering me to say things.

Okay, I'll just tell things here that I want to say to you.. just to let it out. I love you. I love you so much. I miss you also. I want you to be here right beside me. I want to feel the warmth of your embrace. I want to touch your face and see you smile while you're looking in my eyes. I miss you touching my face and telling me how beautiful I am in your eyes. I miss saying I love you before we put down the phone. I miss updating you of what is happening to my day. I miss having you beside me. I miss everything about you! ='(

I'm sorry. I know I'm making this hard for you. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me for what I am doing to you, for making you suffer. If you only know, I am suffering more than you. I'm hurting while you're hurting. Baby... T__________T

Missed.

I am missing you. I know you can't feel that. I know I won't be saying that later once we talk. But believe me, I really miss you. I just don't want you to know about that. I don't want you to feel comfortable again. Oh yes, I'm guarding my heart now. *sigh*

I woke up around 6:30 in the morning, I took my phone out of my pillow and checked if you already texted me. But of course, there's no text yet. It's very early in the morning! Hah. Once I look at my phone, I saw our picture together.. my primary photo in Facebook. I can't help but touch it. I was particularly touching your face. I was wishing that I can touch and feel it right now. Hell, I'm still craving for you.

Once I woke up, I wanted to text you something like, "Good morning bebs ko! Kakagising ko pa lang po. Text me once you woke up ha?" I wanted to update you on what I was doing while waiting for you to wake up. But I cannot. Maybe it's pride or maybe, I want to learn to be independent from you. I know I've been depending on you for the last six months. I've been depending my happiness and every feeling I have. You know that? You're the only one that can make me happy, sad and angry the most. So now, I'll try to go back to myself for maybe, I'm neglecting myself again. :(

I'll just think that everything will be fine.. Soon.

Feelings.

12AM

I don't know what I should feel as of the moment. Yeah, I still don't know. I don't know how to react to the things that is happening to us.

I never expected that you'd say yes to me when I asked my freedom from you. Maybe you said yes because you're hoping that this is what I only want and that you can surpass the challenge that I am giving you. Or maybe, that's what you think of being fair to me. When you agreed to my conditions, I don't know if I should be happy or what. Should I be happy because I can enjoy my singleness? Or should I not be because I don't want my freedom? What I really want is for our relationship to be fix. I know it is not that broken. We just had a misunderstanding or such. I just felt that maybe, that would be the right decision for both of us so that you will understand how I feel.

I was thinking, maybe you are taking me for granted because I gave myself to you easily. Maybe, you're already overconfident about us. You're so comfortable that you won't be losing me unless, we'll have our junior in the early stage of our relationship. That's the only reason that I am telling you whenever we talk about leaving each other, right? So maybe, you're not thinking of other factors that might push me from leaving.

I feel like I'm draining already. I feel like you're challenging my love for you. Do you want me to be tired of this maze that we have? But you told me you don't want that to happen, right? *sigh* I wish you really don't want that.

Baby, please, don't take me for granted. That's the thing that I hated the most. I don't want to be put aside even though I'm already doing my best. I know you don't mean it. I know you don't want to hurt me. But you're hurting me for not doing anything. I wanna feel special.. by you. I can actually feel that at times, but when I needed that the most? I can't feel it.

I can see the efforts and the things you've done for me. But I'm just craving for more.. especially for this critical moment. Slowly, our connection will be lessen. Secure my feelings, please? I'm very afraid to get hurt and I know you don't want to do that. I know that you know how it feels like to be hurt by someone you love that's why I trusted my heart to you. So please, don't disappoint me. I will always be ready to give my heart, myself, to you. But maybe this time, you really need to earn it. So that you'll be very careful now.

Remember what you said earlier? "Iniingatan pa naman kita tapos ako din pala makakasakit sa'yo." That hurts, big time. I just hope that you do understand why I did what I did.

I'll be waiting for you to appreciate me more. I won't be entertaining any other guys even though we are back to basics. I trust you.. so much. So please, make me feel that you deserve my love and trust again.

I love you. I really really do. Even though I can't say it as of the moment. If you only know how hard for me not to say that to you.

Hey, you know what? During our phone convo, while you were singing to me the Far Away song, I just wanted to touch your face then. I wanted to erase the sadness in your face. I really want to tell you that I still love you and that it is hard for me to do this but I just can't.. for I know it will do no good for us. If only you can see me. This is hard for me also baby, but I'm doing this for us. Please try to understand.

6th month?

Oh yeah, it was our 6th monthsary yesterday. But guess what? I did not feel it that much. *sigh* Maybe because I ended up sleeping the day before that feeling disappointed. :(

I don't know. I do love him. REALLY. I can feel that and I do know that he can feel that. But sometimes, I feel that it's a one-way relationship. Or maybe, we have a different understanding about "relationship". :( *sigh* We never had trust issues. I believe that he can't cheat on me and he do trust me with that one also. If I ever wanted to cheat on him, I should have done it before. But I really cannot. Hey, I do know how to be faithful and loyal. :P

If ever that we will be breaking up, I was thinking that maybe, it will be because of our differences. Or because of this thing that I usually have issue with. Sometimes, I feel so drain that I am the only one giving and not being able to receive any. Okay, just to clear that, I am not giving anything so that I can receive. It's just that, to be fair. I'm just hoping that maybe, he can just reciprocate the love that I am showing him. *sigh* Am I expecting too much? But hey, I am not actually expecting. I am only hoping.. that maybe, just maybe, he can make me feel more special.. especially during our special day.

Speaking of that special day, it actually embarks as a change in our relationship. After six months of being together, the next six months would be effing changes for us. His parents will be coming later, and yeah, will be staying until December -- our anniversary. So, I am expecting a lot of change will happen within the next day.

Actually, I don't know what to feel right now. Psh. I STILL don't know how to react. Maybe, I'm just making this an effing big issue between us. And he don't even know what I'm feeling right now. :(

WHATEVS. I QUIT. I GIVE UP.